Issues with Custody in High Conflict Relationships By Dr. Nanci Stafford
Custody Issues in High-Conflict Divorces
Parents fighting
Will my children understand that their other parent is causing them harm? I can tell you I get this question all of the time in my office. The answer is both yes and no! It is very important that you are the go-to parent for your children. While one parent seems like the “Disney Dad”, the other is dealing with problematic trouble your child might be experiencing like depression, anger, confusion, jealousy, frustration, social isolation….you name it. When you know the discord is coming from the disorganized and confusing attachments of the false parent who is trying to be the “best parent” versus a good enough parent. This is a long road my friend but you can make it!
Even though custody conflicts are never easy, they can be daunting following a nasty divorce. The stakes for parents, caregivers, and professionals are legal, but the children's mental health and attachment security are at stake. To ensure kids feel safe, loved, and supported as they grow up, we must understand how to reduce injury and promote connection healing.
This blog discusses attachment injury, high-conflict divorce custody disputes, and how deliberate methods may improve results. These recommendations will help family lawyers, child psychologists, and divorced parents handle challenging custody cases.
What Is Attachment Harm in High-Conflict Custody Cases?
A child gets attachment injury when their emotional connection to one or both parents is destroyed, often due to inattentive or inconsistent parenting. Many abusive parenting practices are "lawful but awful." These include manipulating emotions, disregarding feelings, and using compulsion to regulate a child's emotional development.
Remember that attachment harm rarely results from intention. During divorce, a parent's unresolved trauma, self-protective tendencies, or ignorance may unwittingly cause such injury. Kids often experience emotional dysregulation, relationship issues, and insecurity after this injury. One or both parents with these issues enhance the chance in high-conflict divorces.
Attachment Theory in Custody Cases
In family conflict, attachment theory helps explain children's demands and behaviors. Based on John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth's research, attachment theory discusses how children form emotional bonds with their caregivers and how those bonds affect their development throughout life.
Director of the Conflict Science Institute Mark Baumann developed a paradigm based on the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaptation to address attachment harm in custody disputes. Attachment healing requires a single, reliable caregiver who can offer a child with a safe and secure environment while handling conflict with the other parent.
Here’s an example. Two kids, same dad. The parent’s are divorcing and it is a contemptuous divorce. Dad is not paying child support because he feels he shouldn’t have to. If fact, he stopped working because he did not want to pay spousal OR child support. You know, in fact, he is able to work, and is is getting paid under the table. He just bought a new truck! You are mad, of course…you should be; it is not fair! Now you have been encouraging your children to have a relationship with their dad because it is the “right thing to do”. When he has the kids, he seems to indulge them with gifts and experiences (how does he afford this when he isn’t working?). One of the kids is his favorite. They don’t disagree with him nor do they cause him difficulty. The other is argumentative and hit his younger sister when he struggles. Dad gets mad at him and hits him in return while dad becomes very “falsely” nurturing with the sister.
They come home to you and they are a mess. The kids are disregulated and out-of-sorts. You are left with holding the aftereffects of the weekend. Now you have to get them ready to go to school, calmed down, and functioning again.
Is this right? Of course not! Are you the lucky parent? YES!!! You are the safest person for them. You stay consistent, keep your opinions to yourself and validate their confusing experiences. Does this change the high conflict…NO but your children will seeing you as being there and experiencing their love for them, genuine love.
Reduce Attachment Damage Methods
In high-conflict custody cases, parents and experts can take steps to limit injury and promote recovery.
1. Spread Parenting Knowledge
Creating a secure environment for kids needs awareness of your attachment patterns and how they affect your parenting. This needed Molly to recognize her tendency to dismiss negative feelings and learn how to accommodate her kids' emotions without making them feel inadequate.
2. Prioritize Attachment Healing
To promote attachment healing, parents should:
Creating emotional safety: Create an environment where the youngster feels valued.
Encourage youngsters to express and affirm their emotions to improve emotional literacy.
Staying consistent: Kids need constancy, especially in difficult times. Maintaining routines and promises builds trust.
3. Recognize and Address Coercion
If a co-parent employs coercive or harmful actions often, avoid personalizing them. Instead, consult legal and psychiatric specialists to document and litigate these activities. Setting personal limits simultaneously protects your health.
4. Tailor Parenting to Each Child
Each youngster views relationships differently based on their attachment style. For Olivia, this meant helping her recognize and accept her emotions rather than ignoring them to please others. Molly taught Tabby how to set caring, transparent limits and turn problems into comfort and constructive involvement.
5. Get Expert Help
Family lawyers, psychologists, and child advocates can use the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment to create attachment-based parenting plans. Professional parenting frameworks like Karen Quail's Peace Discipline approach and Dan Siegel's "Whole-Brain Child" assist youngsters develop relational security.
Why Attachment Healing Investments Take Time
Family law prioritizes urgent legal issues over attachment healing, which has long-term implications on children's mental health. During custody, parents can help children develop emotionally by meeting their attachment needs. This helps kids' adult relationships.
One advanced attachment parent can help to avoid the negative effects of excessive conflict. This healing may aid the child and future generations by supporting emotional and relational stability.
Assistance Sources
In a high-conflict divorce, custody might be difficult, but you don't have to do it alone. These resources will help:
Dynamic conflict models and attachment theory are covered by the Institute for Conflict Science.
Experts wrote "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dr. Dan Siegel and "Raising Parents" by Patricia M. Crittenden.
Services for Family Therapy: Contact an attachment-informed therapist for parenting advice.
Prioritizing Children in High-Conflict Divorces
